Any Other Saturday I Probably Would Have Done Homework

A few Saturdays back... Tower, his roommate Joel, myself, and a few others decided to go to the zoo near our college.  Normally we wouldn’t go because (as college students) we’re penniless and cheap as a knockoff bag from the Vegas strip.  However, being that it was opening day, admission was free!  Score.  

 I feel like zoos must keep the lamer animals up front, because one of the first things we saw, besides a few empty cages, was a herd of llamas.  Can I just say that the llama is probably THE dumbest animal on the face of the earth?  If you have even SEEN one you can most likely attest to this.  It isn’t like their vacant stare and their ridiculous under-bite bespeaks intelligence.  

Also, they spit.

The whole time we were at the zoo, Joel seemed to be rushing around to find something that eluded him.  When I asked him what it was, he replied “THE RED PANDAS.”

I swear, when he laid eyes on those lazy animals, he had a moment of pure and simple ecstasy. 

I mean, there were other cool animals too, like the lions, tigers, polar bears, and several very out of place penguins.  I thought it was DEFINITELY too warm for penguins.  But then again, they were probably hipster penguins.  The cold is waaaay too mainstream for their kind.

OH!  The zoo also had a zebu!  I thought Veggietales just made them up for that song!  Though, I'm sure that song would have gone down differently if it had happened at the zoo.

After we’d seen all that the zoo had to offer, we headed out to the peninsula where there were some beaches and a state park.  It was cold, sure.  But beaches are fun no matter what, in my experience.  We walked around for quite some time, and several people fell off a sand cliff.  Life was good.  We all realized that we were RIDICULOUSLY hungry, and hadn’t eaten much since breakfast.  So, we hastened back over the sand dunes to my car.  But as we trudged up the last hill to the parking lot, we stopped short.  

Over the crest of the dune, I could see a man on the beach.  And in front of said man… bubbles.  Hundreds, nay, THOUSANDS of bubbles.  I don’t exactly remember what he looked like, but in all honesty, he SHOULD have looked like this... 

… because he was a MAGICIAN.  We scrambled through the sand as fast as we could.  I mean, not terribly fast, because walking in sand with boots is kind of like running through knee-deep snot. Yeah, I said that.  (could you IMAGINE how big something would have to be to make that much snot?  Probably a giant with a head cold.)  

We said hi as he released hundreds of bubbles into the air like it wasn’t nothin’!  We chatted for a while and he showed us the different kind of bubbles he could make.  Huge bubbles, tiny bubbles, bubbles that looked like those paths that came out of people’s chests in Donnie Darko, ALL kind of bubbles.  

He assured us that the magic wasn’t all his.  It was mostly just the bubble liquid. 

“What’s in it?”  We asked.  He dodged around the question, just saying "Oh, some chemicals.  Nothing exciting…”

After probably 20 minutes, he ran out of juice, and announced to no one in particular:

  And walked back to his car.  Or rode away on a bubble. Both seem highly plausible. 

The rest of our day was spent finding a restauraunt to eat at, and somehow ending up at Chuck E Cheese, (which I remember being MUCH bigger when I was little... and less creepy), then attempting to not run over any seagulls in the parking lot.  Which was a struggle, because they’re like winged rats and they’re EVERYWHERE.  I don't know if they're fearless... or just dumb.  Because running over a seagull in the Alli-Mobile isn't exactly how I wanted to end this day of pure awesome, I maneuvered around every single one safely.  I couldn't help but think that I could take care of this way easier if I were in Skyrim.

Upon our safe, and mostly seagull-less return to campus, I promptly fell asleep on Tower's couch.  I just couldn't handle that much amazing in one day.  Well... I can't handle much of ANYTHING in a day without needing a nap.  But we'll get to that later.

The Locker Room Effect

Some people use scales religiously to dictate when they go to the gym.  I, however, have a different and quite simple method.  When I get on a bus, and feel parts of me vibrating that shouldn’t, I get myself to the nearest elliptical machine/lap pool and go to TOWN. 

Now, don’t get me wrong, I’m not one of those skinny girls who complain about how fat they are while they’re eating diet salads and drinking low cal water. 

Trust me, I'm not a fan of them either.  But I do have a compulsive need to keep in shape.  Who knows when the first zombies will show up?  I need to get my endurance on par to do all that running and bludgeoning and whatnot.

Once I actually get to the gym, no matter when or where, there always seems to be something to hold me up.  I dubbed this mysterious reoccurrence the Locker Room Effect.  The Locker Room Effect can pertain to a person or event that in some way shape or form sets me a bit off kilter for my workout, and possibly DAYS afterward.

There was one day in particular where the Locker Room Effect really had it out for me.

I got up bright and early to go and get my gym time out of the way so I could party hard later on that evening.

I swaggered into the locker room, ready to take on my laps and whatnot... 

...when my field of view was obscured by… ulp… er… God no… 

Naked old women.

THEY HAD NO SHAME.  Every last saggy piece of them.  I couldn’t handle something of this magnitude at ten o clock in the morning.  

Me being able to handle that equates to Snooki being able to climb Mount Everest in a day without supplemental oxygen and protective gear, her only tools being claw length nails, which I’m assuming she’d use as pickaxes.

I rush on out to the pool to do my laps and leave that nightmarish land of sagging flesh behind me. 

As I entered the pool room, I was taken aback.  There, on the bleachers next to the lap pool, was an honest to goodness pirate.  

(I may be overexaggerating his piratey-ness.  Hookers aren’t even allowed in my gym.  He must have been attracted to the body of water.  Because that’s what pirates like the best, besides gold and prostitutes.)

Okay, so he may have just looked like this. 

But after what I had just experienced, I’m pretty sure my brain was trying to distract me.  Instead of having more minor hallucinations, I decided to use my laps to take my mind off of that... happening... earlier.

Once my laps were done I headed back into the locker room to pack up and go home for a nap.  Or maybe a counterproductive large piece of cake.  Either way, my car beckoned.  As I opened my locker, an old woman (thankfully clothed) walked up to me.  I assumed she had a question about where something was, and still having leftover Girl Scout instincts, it was all I could do to help her with whatever she needed.  As it turns out, she didn’t need to ask me anything.  Rather, she had something very pressing to tell ME. 

And then she vanished... like a bat into the night, or an old person into a AARP meeting.  With her  brisk exit, she left me with a profound and muddled sense of self.  

I, myself, have never really thought I looked birdlike in any sense.  I have had a more than average number of strangers insult me in this fashion though, and so I was a little more prepared than the average person (but we'll get to those stories another time).  That doesn't mean that it didn't hurt a little bit, and I found myself examining face in the mirror for birdlike attributes.

I didn't find any... not really.